I know I’ve changed, especially this semester. I’m more on top of things, more daring, more willing to try, more willing to take a step forward to get what I want.
And I’m getting there, albeit very slowly.
These days, after encountering several conflicts in my relationship and consequently calling my high school friends and talking with my other friends here, I have gotten a better grasp of myself, especially in terms of weaknesses.
1) I’m not determined enough. I’m too easily distracted.
I can be easily distracted whether in the short-term (not finishing an assignment right now), or the long-term (siding with someone else’s views just because it’s too hard to argue for my own opinion).
I have a vision but I don’t have strong enough concrete steps to follow through with that vision for a long time. I have an endpoint but I often don’t know how to get there, or get lost easily.
My goals are helping I guess, but not that much. When I have fallen off track, I just want to rip the sheets of goals I taped up on my desk away, and just fall into my bed and emblazon myself with those nostalgic-esque Instagram filters.
But yeah. I needa stop. I should do stuff that’s right rather than stuff I want to do.
As to long-term issues, this weakness occurs due to my lack of courage to maintain my own stance, or my lack of confidence in believing that what I say is right. I was brought up by insecurity, so it often clouds my judgment and holds me back from taking risks. But I can work on this.
I’m already getting better. I’m becoming less afraid to speak up, more assertive, less afraid of what people will think of me. It is getting better, right?
Which leads me to my second point...
2) My fear draws me back too much, especially in opening up.
This is something I’m afraid of admitting, but since this is a Blunt blog, I might as well. I want new friends but at the same time I’m so afraid of opening up to people and letting them know me better. I’ve always had this problem, even with my current relationship. Took ages to open up to him and there are still things he doesn’t know about me.
Of course there are. I’m just a fucking puzzle. Too hard to figure out. Too hard to be revealed.
But If I eventually want closer friends or people I can trust and rely on, then I’ll need to open up more. This is not only important right now, but in life too.
Focus more on the benefits. I’ll be so happy. I’ll have new friends, someone to talk to, interesting topics and lives I hear about. So just keep taking risks. It’s okay.
I think I’m better than last year, at least?
3) I’m fucking selfish.
All humans are selfish but, seriously. I’m fucking selfish. When I’m with my BF, I barely think about his feelings. I’m a fucking hypocrite. I say I want to do charity and help others but if I can’t even help those closest to me, then isn’t it laughable to help strangers?
For my birthday dinner today, I didn’t like the food served at the restaurant so I was pissed for the next hour. It wasn’t even my BF’s fault. It wasn’t until he told me straight-up how hard it was for him too, how much time he spent picking my gift and making my day go well and then I just blow it off like that - it wasn’t until then that I realized I’m a fucking asshole.
I need to think more about other people man. Emphasize. Think about their feelings. Try to understand them. The world doesn’t revolve around you. You’re fucking 19 today. Grow the fuck up, dear.
4) I’m ultra sensitive.
As in, if you say something that’s barely related to me, I’ll probably take it personally and cry at some point. Yeah. That’s how sensitive I am.
So I should try to see things from a broader, outsider perspective. Breathe first, maybe?
Now comes time for strengths. This is the hard part. Too difficult to assess yourself in this way.
1) I’m caring?
So this goes against my weakness that I’m selfish. Thing is, I’m selfish as in I want the best for myself and I think of my own needs and feelings before everyone else’s. But then I still do care about other people.
But perhaps this is only because helping others makes me feel good, which is being selfish again. Man, this is hard.
One of my high school friends just voice-called me due to an emotional turmoil. To me, there was nothing better than giving her my advice after listening to her full story, then hearing her say that I helped her a lot and that she’s so glad she has someone to talk to like me. Does this mean I should be a therapist?...
I like it when people ask me for help. I’d love to advise people if I have experiences or tips worth sharing. Does that mean I should go into teaching or counseling or advising? (My personality matches with teaching). But perhaps I could also go into consulting, or just a job that allows me to help others, which is a lot of them.
Point is, I guess I like helping people, and that this is my strength? (Notice the degree of self-doubt I have shown through the number of question marks just in the last few paragraphs.)
2) I’m always driven to improve.
I know that’s a characteristic of humans in general, but still. I always want to get better. “Don’t settle.” I don’t.
But at the same time, I am learning to appreciate my life more. Count my blessings (as cliche as that is) and stop taking things for granted so much. Strive for better but still be satisfied with the present. Who knows, what you have now may disappear before you know it.
With my current relationship, I always ask myself, “What if…”. I know I shouldn’t, but what if I dated someone else? What if I could find someone who understands me more?
But then I look around and start hearing other peoples’ relationship experiences. And that’s when I realize how fortunate I am. My BF respects me for who I am, really tries hard to make me better, makes me feel happy, and shows not only through words but also through actions that I am loved and wanted.
Good ‘nuff man. I gotta appreciate and thank more (this is sounding quite like a new year's resolution).
3) I want to be independent.
There could be drawbacks to this too. Sometimes, it’s good to delegate tasks out to others or ask people for help. This “need” to be independent ties in with my weakness of not being open enough. Sometimes, I think I can do everything by myself and I’ll do it the best, but I do need other people too.
They can help me. Like my BF said when I felt like we were competing. He said we can work with each other to be better, not against each other. Doesn’t always have to be a competition.
4) I am very critical, in that I can pick out others’ errors and make sure people stick to the original purpose/mission.
I realized this after I had a small argument with my friend while discussing a startup idea. I said I’m realistic; she said I’m too pessimistic. I just pick out others’ errors more. That’s all. And that’s good for team projects. I can point out what’s going wrong.
I’m definitely missing some more strengths and weaknesses, but I think these are the broad categories? At least in terms of soft skills, not hard skills.
Wish you guys could add something if you think anything is missing. Maybe I should put this on a Google Doc? Yes? (Plagued by uncertainty once again.)