back to school thoughts

this is for all those either starting college, going back to school, or really just anyone who remembers the emotional turmoil experienced when being a student.

it’s back-to-school season.

most are pretty excited - you can make new friends, meet up with old ones, create good experiences, be happy, and relish in the life of a youth.

but i’m sure that despite being excited, most also carry mixed feelings. fear, for freshmen especially - what if I don’t have friends? what if i can’t manage the stress load? what if i break down, can’t fit in, or can’t get guys/girls?

don’t worry. everyone goes through this.

let’s take a look backwards - in high school, my goal in life was just to get in a good college - get good grades and join clubs - that was it.

enter college when all of a sudden, i had to manage various areas of my life: academics (more intense), social life, relationship, laundry/eating, being healthy and sleeping before weird hours etc. almost as if a piñata was dropped upon me - gaudy sprinkles, ribbons, glitter scattered on top of me, all bright and suffocating.

i didn’t really have close friends in freshman year. eating lunch alone was the norm, but superficial socializing also drove me nuts. as a result, i launched into mood swings often, which would then progress into outright panic attacks, desperate late-night calls to high school friends, and subsequent wailing in my dorm room or out on the campus at night.

and that’s what i’m most afraid would happen again this year.

i’m afraid of losing it again, of not being able to manage my emotions (and life) and stay in control of it. i’m afraid i’ll end up friend-less again, not knowing how to socialize with people, with relationship problems spiraling out of control because just a few weeks ago, I still didn’t know whether to date my boyfriend or not, even after a year.

i’m tumultuous, unstable.

it’s not good for life. (for that reason, i don’t think i can ever display this blog publicly under my name because no employer would hire someone who has trouble controlling her emotions.) it’s not good for getting things done.

but this is what I told myself: i will make sophomore year the best school year so far. and that won’t be hard.

In high school, I had minimal control over my life. I wasn’t allowed to socialize with friends much outside of school, or pursue what I really loved. freshman year first semester was my "rebellion term" - I rushed into my first relationship, had no close friends, ditched class, went to class late, slept late, was unhappy, was influenced badly, got my lowest GPA ever. then second semester, I got my grades up by getting my priorities straight and working hard from the beginning, but I didn’t improve on anything else. I spent most of my time with my boyfriend - though i love him, it was a bit too much and I lost balance. A lotta mood swings, crying, and panic attacks ensued, and I ended up even trying therapy, but it never really worked.

so my college experience didn’t begin the best way, but I’m optimistic. I’ve changed this summer and I’m much more stable and sure of myself recently.

here are my prediction/goals for sophomore year first semester (or just in general): i will make academics my first priority. It'll be hard, but i'll persevere. I'll also keep taking risks, especially socially. i’m going to open up, let people know me, and see that maybe I might be interesting? i'll make more friends, especially across diff. ethnicities and interests - not necessarily closer ones because I’m not at that stage yet, but I will step out of my comfort zone more and talk/hang with more people. I will also stay healthy, set a good seeping schedule, eat better, run occasionally, try to be more stable, as in deal with stress more positively.

so, there. i know that seems like a lot, almost too much. 

it's weird, when i don't try or care, nothing matters, but if I actually put through effort, then I become a perfectionist. Once in that mode, I'll need to remind myself to keep balance, because in the end, we're still human. completing task after task or being productive 24/7 is for robots. in life, we still need to leave time for just doing nothing, sometimes, and relaxing.

so, what are your thoughts?