"i haven’t had this feeling for awhile but today i felt it again.
not only have i not improved, but i’ve also taken a step back. i’ve crushed all my goals and returned to square one. i was worse off than i was when i started college. what the fuck, right.” - Me last night
It’s weird how much can change in a day. seems pretty stupid looking back at what i thought just twelve hours ago.
just, a lot of shit happened. i was critiqued three times in design class which sorta crushed my hopes of adding a design minor. on top of that i launched into a silent argument with my boyfriend (neither of us was willing to apologize or start a real conversation), a Microsoft recruiter at career fair ignored me, the line for Adobe (at Career Fair) was long af, the formal heels i wore were painful, and i realized i’m having a quiz for a class i completely don’t understand (macroecon).
well, fuck. plus my lack of a social life which lead to me feeling really lonely.
those are bad combinations for any day. so by default, i dealt with this stress/disappointment/anything bad the only way i knew how to, and that was to binge on chocolate and sugar then to scroll my phone mindlessly (looking at strangers’ instagram accounts), and not talk to anyone and just shut myself in until i start brawling (crying).
yeah, but point is, once in awhile, shit days will happen. complete total shit days where everything flops and goes wrong, and that’s okay.
i became pen pals with one of my readers and he shared this article with me - personally one of the best articles i’ve ever read, and it explained the four steps of human consciousness. (if you never read anything again, read this article).
step 1 is when you’re dominated by the animal side of your brain AKA letting your primitive reactions run your decisions - the judgmental, “us versus them” mentality. step 2 would then to be aware of your current situation and “to see behind and around” them. for example, when i’m scared that i will just turn out to be a big failure and will be forever depressed, in step 2, i would realize that this is just my mind blabbering negative thoughts.
example, step 1 vs. step 2 from the article:
even at my low point yesterday, i remembered this drawing. i tried to remind myself that hey, tomorrow will be a better day, and that this is only a small setback. but in the heat of frustration i couldn’t acknowledge or process that thought even though i knew it was true.
so this is what i need to work on. when times go bad, when i feel like a total failure and think the whole world is crushing down on me, i need to remind myself that it will not stay that way forever.
hope this helped, thanks!