how to find your voice

they tell you to “find you voice,” “be who you are.” 

as if it’s that easy. 

as if it doesn’t require effort to speak above the crowd, courage to go above and beyond, audacity to confront fears and push to the front. as if it's easy to swim swim upwards even when you've been knocked to the bottom, suffocating on your last breaths. 

how are you supposed to find your voice in a crowd of billions? rise above the escalating sea water that crawls up the shoreline, submerging you in a whirl of cries. how can you rise up, be up, stand out when all you can ever be is
average? 

how can you stand out when the world is already so loud? when you’re just a drowning fish in a sea of screams, and all others can ever hear are your muffled cries blended into the hush of the wind, the surrender as you let go of your last breath and you drop down, down into an abyss of blue.

why try when the best you can do is be number two. why try when you can never reach the top. when you know you’ll just
fall. 

what's the point anymore. of trying to say what you mean and mean what you say when society is artificial and everyone just hates. what's the point of going up when all the other natural forces are pulling you down. 

can't we just surrender?

as a kid, we’re taught that we can be anything. dream big, high, wide across the sky. look at those stars - set those as your goals and you can reach anything, you can be anything. but look now. look at the fog in front of you, the hazy distance, the grim future. 

what can you do about that. 

how can you keep going forward when the view is so uncertain, when too many barriers are in your way and you're stuck in stagnant water. or you're in a slide of quicksand and everything is slipping too fast, topsy-turvy turning until it's too late to do anything. 

so should we still try. when life is meaningless. when you can never be the best. when nature goes against you and fate tries to rule you down, step on your chest like the queen of the world? 

I don't know. I really don't know. 

how do you even stay happy?